Why LOVE was not enough to make me stop? The shame spiral of sobriety and motherhood.

My heart has and always will belong to these two. Being a Mom and feeling that all encompassing love you feel for your children is unmatched. I can say like most any mom out there that I love my kids more than I could ever love anything or anyone else. So why then?? Why couldn’t I stop drinking for them? Why wasn’t it enough?

There were so many times I tried to quit and I truly believed that the sheer strength of their love would get me through it. I knew that I wasn’t just impacting myself with my choices I was impacting them every single day I picked up a drink. Id catch myself when I knew I didn’t remember going to sleep the night before or I showed up at a hockey game intoxicated or a music event after a bottle of wine. Id promise myself I was done! I wasn’t going to keep doing this!! It wasn’t ok for my kids to not be able to wake me up when I was asleep because I passed out reading a book after a bottle and a half of wine. It wasn’t ok that I was not really present through multiple events of theirs! It wasn’t ok that by drinking I wasn’t present period! I count my blessings that the times I drove when I shouldn’t have I didn’t harm my family or someone else’s. I know there are too many times to count when I scared my kids to death just being drunk. I know I embarrassed them and I know that they have been hurt and felt betrayed by the alcohol because it took me away from the presence I have as a mom when I am not drinking. They never knew if mom was going to be just mom tonight or drunk funny mom or drunk mom who couldn’t help them the right way with their homework or the drunk mom at their baseball tournament. They shouldn’t of had to wonder any of this. No, I never left my kids unattended or got in trouble with the law or got a DUI but none of that matters because I was not present for them in the way I would of been and that alone is enough to bring me or any mom to their knees with guilt. Being a mom was the most important thing to me and yet I was able to compromise that for wine. It is a scary and truly haunting thing. To know this and not be able to control it was terrifying and anxiety driven every day.

When I finally did quit drinking I had to spend many, many hours truly reflecting on all of that. I know I hurt people with my drinking but knowing you hurt your kids repeatedly over wine is a whole shit storm of shame to work through. This shame was worse and harsher than any other to me and didn’t even begin to compare to the others. My heart shattered in pieces each time I hurt my kids. To this day when they bring up a time when I was drunk my heart shutters a bit. The reminders will always be there and I do have to live with those. It took me quite awhile before I was able to realize that the choices we make when we are under addiction are not really our choices at all. As Laura Mckowen says “this thing had me”. She talks about how addiction is the one choosing. Addiction had been choosing for me for quite a long time. In my normal non drinking state the choices I made would never intentionally hurt my children. When we are in pain and in the thick of addiction we aren’t deciding much of anything anymore. I was a sick human being who had fallen into a cycle of complete mayhem.

I take full responsibility for my actions and I own my truth, all of it!! I own the good , the bad, the ugly and I own the shame. NO, being addicted is not an excuse but we can’t live in our shame. Oprah always said when we know better we do better. I can tell you I knew better I just couldn’t stop and my failed attempts at stopping and controlling my drinking were many. When you are in addiction you are able to believe you can get control of this beast and yet you can’t because once it has you it doesn’t let go. I was completely addicted to wine and nothing I tried including looking at my kids when I’d scared them or embarrassed them was able to stop me because “this thing” had me too. Addiction was stronger than love! Ive been told this many times by wise women in and out of the recovery rooms. The only saving grace here is that at some point IT ISNT stronger than love. They say the realization and the shift only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Why I got to that place when I did has many layers but what I do know is that I had to get there …..ME. I had to want it for me. Alcohol is sneaky and learns your weakness and it tells you that its the one thing that will make you feel less alone. This became my truth and only I could come to the realization that I had been had by this disease.

The whole first year of sobriety I was hard on myself and constantly asked myself why I hadn’t been able to quit sooner. What I know now is that when you quit you can’t quit for your kids or anyone else you have to quit for you and only you will know when that time is. And when you do quit you can’t continue to sit in your shame or you won’t make it past this and you won’t grow. You can not recover without releasing the shame. Shame will just fester and grow inside of you unless you work through it, talk about it out loud, and then set it aside. You don’t forget the things…they are hard to forget but you have to let go, make your peace with the past and march ahead!! Shame will only stunt your growth and block your ability to heal.

Women are often afraid to talk about trying to get sober because of the shame that comes along with it . We don’t want to ruin the facade of how we will look to others if we admit to having a problem. Hell we are embarrassed to even ask for help! What kind of mom will they think I am? Guess what?? If you are tackling addiction you are a brave, strong, bad ass woman who is getting through her pain and fear one damn day at a time. If you are brave enough to tackle this thing that gets us, you will be here to show your kids and the rest of the world how we face the worst pain of our lives and we walk through the fire of it to reach the other side.

I can tell you that being a single mom my kids were front and center to all my mistakes and all my bad choices. Its funny because my kids used to say the 3 of us were like a triangle…me on the top and the 2 kids on the bottom. I know I was not on the top of that triangle all the time and definitely not during my drinking. I know one or both of my kids had to take that top position while I was spinning sideways. I can say now however that my kids not only saw me fail but they have seen my take on this beast that stole me away from being the best mom I could be. They were there for the mistakes but they are also here to see how I handle my pain and how I recover from those mistakes and that is an amazing part of this. I am grateful everyday for all of it now and I appreciate the journey that I am traveling on and my kids are proud and watch and learn as I grow. That is a gift worth giving.

I am glad to put this out into the world if it helps one more woman be brave and ask for help. Women need to talk about their shame and we need to share our sobriety. We need other women to know they are not alone and they have a community of us out here that “get” it! We can all march forward through this thing that has us but we can’t do it alone. Today I walk through life with my head held high. I am who I am and I am not defined by my past. I march ahead of addiction proudly one day at a time and in the process I am humble and open to growth and all this world has to offer.

To my kids…..thank you for loving me when I wasn’t so lovable and for supporting me and clapping along at my victories. Thank you for standing with me in my struggles and believing in me more than I was able to myself some days. Love you both endlessly!!!