Kelly Anderson: sober mom and transformational life coach. Im living my best life are you? Get past the fears and shame and limited beliefs to live the life of your dreams. Take one step today in the direction of the woman you want to be. Need help getting there…Ive been there and taken the steps. Let me guide you to your best life.
THERE IS A UNIVERSAL LAW OF LIFE…..WE ARE EITHER GROWING OR WE ARE DYING. When we are in addiction we are truly dying inside. When we make the decision to get sober we are being called to grow!!
When we are drinking we are living a life of stuffing our feelings. We drink to avoid any and all feelings. Whenever we feel a pang of anxiety or that tightness in our chest we use alcohol to block all of this. The alcohol overpowers all of our feelings even the good. When asked how we are, we say fine because we are truly dead inside so fine is an appropriate answer right??
When we feel that pang of that ache inside of us that deep down ache from fear, from love , from lack of love, from attachment or unattachment, from sadness, from happiness and the fear it will end…..we drink because it overpowers that ache. This numbing of the ache is keeping us safe or so we think at the time…we are dying inside but damn it it is keeping me from feeling any of this.
So when we get called to get sober and start to thaw out from all the numbing of the ache inside us we are left with a whole lot of feelings that we don’t know what to do with. After all we’ve been numbing our feelings for decades and now just like global warming our glacier melts. Talk about Sitting with your feelings. The problem is that we need to learn the right way to deal with these feelings. That my friends is where the work comes in. That is this growth we are being called to!!! Growth doesn’t end when we have discovered a few tools to deal with these new/old feelings. Growth is continuous!!!
The call to grow has to be honored. When we get called to grow there will always be that voice of our limited beliefs yapping at us and saying don’t ….its not safe ….its scary to grow….stay here, we are fine! Remember thats the same voice that told us that “our drinking was not THAT bad and that we can just moderate” you know that voice that lies to keep us from changing? We must not listen to that voice because it lives in the land of the familiar and is too afraid to change. When we get the calling from inside of us to grow we have to let it in. We have to face the fear and hit the hard work. We have to deal with the feelings of the past or they will catch up with us in the present. We have to work through the grief and shame as scary as it is. Being called to grow is an amazing gift that we can’t throw away. We have to face the limits that will come at us during growth and we have to learn that being called to grow is a life skill. We can learn to answer the calling and push past the fear to the beautiful on the other side!!
If you are feeling the call to grow during sobriety there are resources out there. There are coaches like me and classes you can sign up for but know there are always free options. AA and working the steps are exactly what the work is about. Thats a great place to start. There are organizations like “she Recovers” who have amazing coaches and free online support during this push to grow and learn not to mention to connect which is one of the main pillars in sobriety!!! Feel free to reach out if you need help If I can’t help you I know the resources who can!! Lets all accept the calling to grow today!!!
“Theres gotta be something more…..gotta be more than this!”
This song was my most played song for 6 solid years before I got sober and started this journey to my truth and to myself. It was clearly my anthem! I was always reaching and searching for something more, something to make things right….to make me right. The problem was that I didn’t have any idea what that was or what that meant. Life just always felt like I was missing something important or that would complete me. I think a lot of us feel this way even if its just at certain times in life but I felt this for as long as I can remember, even as a young person. In doing the work to get sober and get to the root of why I was in this mess in the first place I had to really start to peel back the layers and strip myself of the things that kept me locked into this stagnant life and towards some attainable “something more”.
I was trying so hard to fill a undefinable void all my life and then when I started this journey something began to shift. It was suddenly like I had seen the light. This doom and this emptiness that I always felt from searching for more had subsided. I didn’t even realize it was happening. I was putting in all the work on myself and I didn’t need to search high and low or make something specific happen for my life to have meaning. I was suddenly more free and light and clear. I was no longer heavy with the burden of life and the worry and suffering that I seemed to put on myself.
By living an authentic life, one where I could trust my own inner voice I was able to finally see that I am enough as I am at this very moment. I am enough at ANY given moment. Ive done the work and will continue to do the work to be the author of my own life. Now that I can trust my own inner guidance and my own self awareness enough to realize that I am unique in this big world I can finally see I!. When we are authentic we can be in the state of complete honesty where we have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide and where we won’t ever let another person, place or thing influence us to shut down or compromise our own values! It means making decisions based on my intuition and my connection with the universe rather than out of fear.
Living an authentic life is not always easy I have found. We tend to live in a material world and we are surrounded by influences of all kinds around us. We have to continue to practice self compassion and not let these influences stop us from spiritual growth or to persuade us to set aside our own core values. For me this means I keep doing the work. I keep learning and read new things and stay open to possibilities. I keep practicing mindfulness and even on the shittiest of days I manage to at least thank the universe for all I have and attempt to be silent for even 1 minute. For me this also means not letting fear lead me astray. Doing the work is hard when we let fear in. Fear means I am pushing out of my comfort zone and I can’t grow by just being comfortable. Most importantly we have to be patient with our spiritual growth and know that at times it may come fast and at others we may feel like we are putting in the work and living authentically and yet growth is slow. What I do know is that we will grow and pretty soon the work will be just part of our everyday practice.
As I begin to enter this new decade and close out this one I can look back and see many struggles and many happy moments but I can always see the search for more. I am happy and blessed to now be able to say that I am good. There are still a million things I want to do with my life and sometimes that makes me impatient but mostly it makes me excited!! Starting 2020 I can say that I am enough just as I am today and that I am confident in the woman, mother, daughter, sister and friend I am. I can also say that I am excited for the future and for the things I will learn and the experiences I will have a long the way and the rough roads I will go down. I will do so knowing that I am not missing something and that I have all that I need inside me and at the hands of the universe. I am ready to create the rest of my life just as I choose and to do so knowing that any answers I am seeking will be answered when they should and when I am ready to receive them and act on them. For now I will continue to put in the work to be the truest me I can be without letting fear dictate my life and without letting my core values be compromised. In this next decade I hope all of you can start to build your way to an authentic life, or back to one if you lost track. We have so many possibilities and opportunities to grow and learn and be and do more and better. We just need to open up to those possibilities and be willing to put in the hard work. I want to thank all the people who have influenced my life and helped me in this journey to be authentically me. I have and will continue to learn from each person and each experience that comes my way!
My heart has and always will belong to these two. Being a Mom and feeling that all encompassing love you feel for your children is unmatched. I can say like most any mom out there that I love my kids more than I could ever love anything or anyone else. So why then?? Why couldn’t I stop drinking for them? Why wasn’t it enough?
There were so many times I tried to quit and I truly believed that the sheer strength of their love would get me through it. I knew that I wasn’t just impacting myself with my choices I was impacting them every single day I picked up a drink. Id catch myself when I knew I didn’t remember going to sleep the night before or I showed up at a hockey game intoxicated or a music event after a bottle of wine. Id promise myself I was done! I wasn’t going to keep doing this!! It wasn’t ok for my kids to not be able to wake me up when I was asleep because I passed out reading a book after a bottle and a half of wine. It wasn’t ok that I was not really present through multiple events of theirs! It wasn’t ok that by drinking I wasn’t present period! I count my blessings that the times I drove when I shouldn’t have I didn’t harm my family or someone else’s. I know there are too many times to count when I scared my kids to death just being drunk. I know I embarrassed them and I know that they have been hurt and felt betrayed by the alcohol because it took me away from the presence I have as a mom when I am not drinking. They never knew if mom was going to be just mom tonight or drunk funny mom or drunk mom who couldn’t help them the right way with their homework or the drunk mom at their baseball tournament. They shouldn’t of had to wonder any of this. No, I never left my kids unattended or got in trouble with the law or got a DUI but none of that matters because I was not present for them in the way I would of been and that alone is enough to bring me or any mom to their knees with guilt. Being a mom was the most important thing to me and yet I was able to compromise that for wine. It is a scary and truly haunting thing. To know this and not be able to control it was terrifying and anxiety driven every day.
When I finally did quit drinking I had to spend many, many hours truly reflecting on all of that. I know I hurt people with my drinking but knowing you hurt your kids repeatedly over wine is a whole shit storm of shame to work through. This shame was worse and harsher than any other to me and didn’t even begin to compare to the others. My heart shattered in pieces each time I hurt my kids. To this day when they bring up a time when I was drunk my heart shutters a bit. The reminders will always be there and I do have to live with those. It took me quite awhile before I was able to realize that the choices we make when we are under addiction are not really our choices at all. As Laura Mckowen says “this thing had me”. She talks about how addiction is the one choosing. Addiction had been choosing for me for quite a long time. In my normal non drinking state the choices I made would never intentionally hurt my children. When we are in pain and in the thick of addiction we aren’t deciding much of anything anymore. I was a sick human being who had fallen into a cycle of complete mayhem.
I take full responsibility for my actions and I own my truth, all of it!! I own the good , the bad, the ugly and I own the shame. NO, being addicted is not an excuse but we can’t live in our shame. Oprah always said when we know better we do better. I can tell you I knew better I just couldn’t stop and my failed attempts at stopping and controlling my drinking were many. When you are in addiction you are able to believe you can get control of this beast and yet you can’t because once it has you it doesn’t let go. I was completely addicted to wine and nothing I tried including looking at my kids when I’d scared them or embarrassed them was able to stop me because “this thing” had me too. Addiction was stronger than love! Ive been told this many times by wise women in and out of the recovery rooms. The only saving grace here is that at some point IT ISNT stronger than love. They say the realization and the shift only occurs when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Why I got to that place when I did has many layers but what I do know is that I had to get there …..ME. I had to want it for me. Alcohol is sneaky and learns your weakness and it tells you that its the one thing that will make you feel less alone. This became my truth and only I could come to the realization that I had been had by this disease.
The whole first year of sobriety I was hard on myself and constantly asked myself why I hadn’t been able to quit sooner. What I know now is that when you quit you can’t quit for your kids or anyone else you have to quit for you and only you will know when that time is. And when you do quit you can’t continue to sit in your shame or you won’t make it past this and you won’t grow. You can not recover without releasing the shame. Shame will just fester and grow inside of you unless you work through it, talk about it out loud, and then set it aside. You don’t forget the things…they are hard to forget but you have to let go, make your peace with the past and march ahead!! Shame will only stunt your growth and block your ability to heal.
Women are often afraid to talk about trying to get sober because of the shame that comes along with it . We don’t want to ruin the facade of how we will look to others if we admit to having a problem. Hell we are embarrassed to even ask for help! What kind of mom will they think I am? Guess what?? If you are tackling addiction you are a brave, strong, bad ass woman who is getting through her pain and fear one damn day at a time. If you are brave enough to tackle this thing that gets us, you will be here to show your kids and the rest of the world how we face the worst pain of our lives and we walk through the fire of it to reach the other side.
I can tell you that being a single mom my kids were front and center to all my mistakes and all my bad choices. Its funny because my kids used to say the 3 of us were like a triangle…me on the top and the 2 kids on the bottom. I know I was not on the top of that triangle all the time and definitely not during my drinking. I know one or both of my kids had to take that top position while I was spinning sideways. I can say now however that my kids not only saw me fail but they have seen my take on this beast that stole me away from being the best mom I could be. They were there for the mistakes but they are also here to see how I handle my pain and how I recover from those mistakes and that is an amazing part of this. I am grateful everyday for all of it now and I appreciate the journey that I am traveling on and my kids are proud and watch and learn as I grow. That is a gift worth giving.
I am glad to put this out into the world if it helps one more woman be brave and ask for help. Women need to talk about their shame and we need to share our sobriety. We need other women to know they are not alone and they have a community of us out here that “get” it! We can all march forward through this thing that has us but we can’t do it alone. Today I walk through life with my head held high. I am who I am and I am not defined by my past. I march ahead of addiction proudly one day at a time and in the process I am humble and open to growth and all this world has to offer.
To my kids…..thank you for loving me when I wasn’t so lovable and for supporting me and clapping along at my victories. Thank you for standing with me in my struggles and believing in me more than I was able to myself some days. Love you both endlessly!!!
The big answer here is there is no “right” way, but there is a right way for you! Let me just say this, you have to follow the path that feels right to you. I can only tell you my experiences. What I hope is that my experience and thoughts on this can guide you and lead you to what may work! Take what you want from this and leave the rest for someone who might need it! Keep in mind that your journey to recovery will change over time. What felt right in the beginning may not feel quite right once you’ve grown and gained more knowledge. This is true for me…my growth has led me on many paths and I anticipate it to continue leading me in the direction thats right for me at the time.
I began my sobriety journey in treatment and in treatment. AA is not only encouraged there but I was required to attends meetings. I was apprehensive to say the least but I was able to go with the group I was in treatment with and many of them had attended meetings so they were helpful and a comfort in the beginning. I can tell you today that the 12 steps and meetings became a huge and important part of my early recovery. While the wording of many things in AA literature are outdated and clearly geared to males, I was able to let that go and focus on the meaning of what was being said. Most of what I read and was taught to me in meetings resonated so completely with me at the time that I was able to let go of the other stuff. People shared things I was not only going through but they helped me to see solutions and how to make them happen as I took things on in this new life! The community factor of AA is integral. Not feeling alone in this overwhelming world of getting sober was extremely beneficial. The wisdom of some of the old timers was something I craved and needed to hear to realize that there was hope and that I could trust the process. To me sobriety was like driving through the fog (literally my life had been a huge fog during my addiction) and struggling to trust that there was going to be a road when I got through to the other side. I saw that the steps and the meetings led tons of people like me, from all walks of life and extremes to a life I wanted.
I am not in any way saying I didn’t have issues with some things in the 12 step program. I did. I was terrified to go to my first meeting alone in my community outside of my treatment center. That fear wasn’t unfounded, I was not welcomed with open arms and I found it very ‘clicky” among the women. I expected them to welcome me in and show me the ropes, maybe I expected too much (thats a whole separate blog…expecations) but that was not what happened for me personally. I decided I would not let that stop me from going because at that point I didn’t know what else to do. My persistance paid off and I eventually found womens meetings where some of the women were more willing to let me in and I stuck with those and some bigger meetings where after time I felt comfortable. BUT it took time and a lot of me holding my head high and convincing myself I belonged just as much as anyone else. Fake it until you make it they say. I eventually found a woman to ask to be my sponsor and my patience with picking her was well worth the wait. She was just what I needed. For me that meant a quieter demeanor, and when she spoke in meetings she was honest and had knowledge but wasn’t pushy, her story was similar to mine and she only took a few sponsors and only one at a time. All of those traits about her worked perfectly for me. I have heard a lot of sponsors are more harsh and have a lot more stringent rules for example, requiring daily calls and attending daily meetings. I am a rule follower however but I know if I felt pressured too much in ways that didn’t work for me that I wouldn’t last. I was extremely willing to be a sponge and read or listen to anything and everything she suggested. She was a big believer in the book and workbook from “Womens Way through the 12 steps by Stephanie Covinton”. It resonated much more for me than the big book and regular 12 steps books. I still read the big book (most all of it) not because she told me to but because it was pretty freaking interesting considering how long ago it was written!!! I can honestly tell you that I found working the steps to be magical! Yes there were still some things I didn’t take to the extreme if I wasn’t comfortable with them but I can say to this day that I stand by this: The 12 steps are a guide to growth and are the general principles to being a better you! I ,like many had an issue with the “god” aspect, growing up catholic the god I knew wasn’t the god I needed to get through this or anything of high importance to me as an individual. I believed in a HP but I was struggling with what that meant and had been for many years. Once I realized that I needed to acknowledge that to this point I wasn’t able by myself or with the help of other people able to quit drinking, and that it was going to take help from something bigger than me or human experience, then I was able to accept that. Working through each step was an amazing process for ME, that is my experince with my sponsor and how we did the steps. I wouldn’t trade that process in for anything now as it truly helped me grow and learn about myself as a person…..not as an alcoholic person but as a person. Ive told many people that doing 12 step work, in my opinion, could benefit anyone and lead to a perspective on their life that is going to change they way they live and think.
There is one thing that I would like to address with regards to AA and that is the owning and being willing to say “I am Kelly and I am an alcoholic”. This was extremely hard for me to do and say at first because like many, my idea of an alcoholic was the bum on the street that couldn’t function in life or keep a job or carry on an sense of normalcy. Once I was able to acknowledge that I had let alcohol dictate my life, my choices and pretty much everything I didn’t have a problem with saying I am Kelly and I am an alcoholic. I did however outside of AA have a problem with that being my label. I am not Kelly the alcoholic any more than I am just Kelly the runner or Kelly the beachgoer. I am a whole complicated and interesting individual who happens to have an addiction to alcohol and who happens to love to run and go to the beach, I also happen to be a mom ( a role I cherish). I am me and ill never be any label you want to put on me. I am a person first and woman who is a mix and a product of all her experiences and choices both past and present. I am also a product of my DNA and my childhood and family and outside influences. What it comes down to is that I am unapologetically just ME now and I live and own my truth every single day. I couldn’t see the broader me or the me I am now when I was in the fog of my addiction but every single day I peel back more layers and I LOVE whats in there!
My sobriety just like my life is a journey with many paths and choices. While I was working the steps I was also looking for and finding other recovery resources. I was on she recovers sites and reading books on spirituality and self help books along with continuing to study buddhism. I am a true sponge still 2 years in and I am willing to learn and soak up anything that resonates! I don’t attend 12 step meetings often these days but there are days when I just can tell I could use a meeting and so. Usually those meetings seem to magically just so happen to apply to what I am dealing with or feeling and the topic is just what I needed to hear. I am grateful for the community of she recovers and am so looking forward to attending the retreats but for now I am grateful for the connection it gives me online and at meet ups. It helps immensely due to the fact that the majority are women and are all going the through what I have or what I am currently struggling with as well. Spirituality has become my focus as of late and I am finding so much peace and meaning to daily life. I feel like I have my sobriety journey to thank for that. It has changed the person I am and I can’t imagine my life without that part anymore. It was the piece I was missing in the making of me being the best me I can be.
To conclude, whether you are 12 stepping your way through recovery or 2 stepping along to the beat please just STEP. Every and any step in the right direction is one more step to the life you want and to the life you may not even be able to see yet! I do know you have to have faith and trust. I promise you there is still a road ahead if you just keep driving through the fog! As they say in AA, with any recovery help take what you need and leave the rest and DON”T be afraid to ask those of us on the path for help.
#sobersass 