“Theres gotta be something more…..gotta be more than this!”
This song was my most played song for 6 solid years before I got sober and started this journey to my truth and to myself. It was clearly my anthem! I was always reaching and searching for something more, something to make things right….to make me right. The problem was that I didn’t have any idea what that was or what that meant. Life just always felt like I was missing something important or that would complete me. I think a lot of us feel this way even if its just at certain times in life but I felt this for as long as I can remember, even as a young person. In doing the work to get sober and get to the root of why I was in this mess in the first place I had to really start to peel back the layers and strip myself of the things that kept me locked into this stagnant life and towards some attainable “something more”.
I was trying so hard to fill a undefinable void all my life and then when I started this journey something began to shift. It was suddenly like I had seen the light. This doom and this emptiness that I always felt from searching for more had subsided. I didn’t even realize it was happening. I was putting in all the work on myself and I didn’t need to search high and low or make something specific happen for my life to have meaning. I was suddenly more free and light and clear. I was no longer heavy with the burden of life and the worry and suffering that I seemed to put on myself.
By living an authentic life, one where I could trust my own inner voice I was able to finally see that I am enough as I am at this very moment. I am enough at ANY given moment. Ive done the work and will continue to do the work to be the author of my own life. Now that I can trust my own inner guidance and my own self awareness enough to realize that I am unique in this big world I can finally see I!. When we are authentic we can be in the state of complete honesty where we have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide and where we won’t ever let another person, place or thing influence us to shut down or compromise our own values! It means making decisions based on my intuition and my connection with the universe rather than out of fear.
Living an authentic life is not always easy I have found. We tend to live in a material world and we are surrounded by influences of all kinds around us. We have to continue to practice self compassion and not let these influences stop us from spiritual growth or to persuade us to set aside our own core values. For me this means I keep doing the work. I keep learning and read new things and stay open to possibilities. I keep practicing mindfulness and even on the shittiest of days I manage to at least thank the universe for all I have and attempt to be silent for even 1 minute. For me this also means not letting fear lead me astray. Doing the work is hard when we let fear in. Fear means I am pushing out of my comfort zone and I can’t grow by just being comfortable. Most importantly we have to be patient with our spiritual growth and know that at times it may come fast and at others we may feel like we are putting in the work and living authentically and yet growth is slow. What I do know is that we will grow and pretty soon the work will be just part of our everyday practice.
As I begin to enter this new decade and close out this one I can look back and see many struggles and many happy moments but I can always see the search for more. I am happy and blessed to now be able to say that I am good. There are still a million things I want to do with my life and sometimes that makes me impatient but mostly it makes me excited!! Starting 2020 I can say that I am enough just as I am today and that I am confident in the woman, mother, daughter, sister and friend I am. I can also say that I am excited for the future and for the things I will learn and the experiences I will have a long the way and the rough roads I will go down. I will do so knowing that I am not missing something and that I have all that I need inside me and at the hands of the universe. I am ready to create the rest of my life just as I choose and to do so knowing that any answers I am seeking will be answered when they should and when I am ready to receive them and act on them. For now I will continue to put in the work to be the truest me I can be without letting fear dictate my life and without letting my core values be compromised. In this next decade I hope all of you can start to build your way to an authentic life, or back to one if you lost track. We have so many possibilities and opportunities to grow and learn and be and do more and better. We just need to open up to those possibilities and be willing to put in the hard work. I want to thank all the people who have influenced my life and helped me in this journey to be authentically me. I have and will continue to learn from each person and each experience that comes my way!
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